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Thursday, June 2, 2011

I Have Become the Annoying Escort Quest Guy

If you have ever played a quest based MMORPG before than you know exactly what an “Escort Quest” is. If you are unable to conjure up an image of it in your mind when prompted to, then you can find yourself eternally grateful for never having to endure the mindless agro inducing meandering stupidity that many of these characters employ. These “Individuals” have been placed through out the various worlds of MMORPG games waiting for a hapless hero to come along and deliver them from point A to some other random point on the map. Along said path, you will assailed by a series of marauding villains whose sole purpose is to dismember and destroy you and your newly found traveling companion.

            In the annals of “Annoying Quest Guy” book of names, you will see such loving subjects as Robo Chicken, random Alliance/Horde prisoner dude, Joshua Riker and apparently now me. Although Mr. Riker (He apparently is some how related to the more famous Riker of ST lore, although the exact circumstances escapes me at the moment.) isn’t a prototypical escort guy as he doesn’t walk at an agonizingly slow pace or run up to every single mob in an agro grabbing rage. However what he does is proceed to run up to the engaged group of badies with nothing more than his bare knuckles and completely gets himself in the way of my phaser toting assault team. He will even do this when the only opponents to face are a collection of automated sentry turrets.

Slamming your knuckles and feet into hardened metal while getting in the way of blazing phaser fire, will earn you an entry into the dumb escort guy book. (Haven’t seen this for yourself? Well play out the “Badlands” mission in STO for some knee slapping good times then.) So what did I do to also gain entry into such a coveted book? I took a lesson from my heroes of the past and became the slow meandering pain the ass tag-a-long everyone despises.

Yesterday I decided that what I really wanted to get in World of Tanks was a Leopard tank. Why? I don’t know other than to me they are the coolest looking light tanks in the game and I didn’t have a light tank at that moment. Now in order to get the tank I want, I must first purchase and then use a Pzkpfw III Ausf. Light tank. Like most tanks in WOT, the Pzkpfw II Luchs comes equipped with the best in slot equipment…wait no sorry I am confused this is WOT after all, new tanks fresh out of the box come with the most craptastic gear available. That’s right only the best for our aspiring tank crews.

“Quickly now, over here lads…say why don’t you take this under gunned, underpowered and unnervingly hard to turn rolling box of death out for a foray with those much bigger and more powerful tanks over yonder…what’s that you say…you don’t think you stand a chance?...nonsense my good man just a few more matches and you can get that shinny new engine you’ve been wanting.”

This is what it is like in WOT every time you get a new tank. It basically comes with the worst possible gear you can imagine. Well in the case of the Pzk Luchs the engine is so underpowered you are forced to crawl along at a snails pace. Fortunately for me I had the benefit of being in a platoon with a friend who graciously agreed to escort my slow ass around the field of battle. This is when I started to feel like that escort guy as he zipped back and forth across the map, all the while having to return to me and aid me in escaping the roving bands of KV death squads that seem to come equipped with Pzkpfw tracking devices.

In a lot of ways I envy my friend as he was able to say to me several times over voice chat just how slow and pathetic I was. Anyone who has ever done an escort quest has so wanted to berate the subject with verbal attacks of their incompetence. Every time a new match would start I always felt like the sick Gazelle lagging in the back of the pack as it bounds for safety from the lioness hunting in the grass. Not every Gazelle has a rhino friend willing to help him out in his time of need. I hope I am never the Lame Escort guy again or the one escorting him.


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